Leading Orchestra to “Push the Boat In” for 50th Anniversary Season

The Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra have announced plans for their 50th Anniversary Season, with a celebratory focus on familiarity, conservatism, convenience and conformity. MSO You’ve heard it all here before “When we started thinking about how best to celebrate this special anniversary, our music director Cauze Perdue originally suggested we “push the boat out” with a season […]

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Nearly-Washed-Up Leading Conductor Trades Baton for Bow

The nearly-washed-up conductor Robert von Bohyarti, former Decca recording artist and long-time conductor of the Minneapolis Philharmonia, is considering launching a solo violin career, it has been learned. Bohyarti, whose instrument is the piano, is reported to feel “a little bored at this stage conducing the same handful of Beethoven and Brahms symphonies over and […]

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BREAKING- Leading Professional Orchestra To Give Up Music

A leading professional orchestra has announced they are giving up rehearsing, teaching and performing music to focus on their “core mission,” it has been announced. The board and management of the Southlands Sinfonia in Weicester have decided to cancel all future plans for concerts, recordings and music courses to “focus on what makes this orchestra […]

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Classical CD and Ticket Sales Soar Following Arrest of Pothead Cellist

Sales of concert tickets and recordings by classical orchestras, opera companies and chamber ensembles skyrocketed this week following the arrest of a  cellist who was found to be carrying 113 pounds of marijuana in his car. “Dude,” said new classical fan Brian “Tweedy” aka “The Doc” Billings of Austin, Texas, “most music has just been […]

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BREAKING: Commons Select Committee Endorses Bullshit Tax

The Commons Cultural Welfare Select Committee has issued a report calling for a new levy being described by both advocates and critics as a “bullshit tax.” “Government has long recognized the need for special taxation on items whose use brings certain inevitable costs to the wider society. Taxation on cigarettes and alcohol helps to minimize […]

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BREAKING: Trump to Eliminate Horn Splits As President

Ex-trustfunder turned billionaire-blowhard-reality-show-junkie-cum-presidential-candidate Donald Trump waded into fraught cultural waters today with a speech in Vetterficker, Alabama during which he promised to “put an end to horn splits and fracks in my first 100 Trump-days as Trump-President of the United States of Trump.” “Horn splits are a pervasive problem in our orchestral society,” said Trump, […]

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BREAKING: Music Industry Shock as Leading Orchestra Appoints Conductor Based on Skill at Conducting

The music industry reacted with wide-eyed amazement this month as the world’s leading orchestra announced they were appointing someone to the prestigious position of Principal Conductor based on his ability to conduct. Across Europe, North America and the Far East, orchestral managers, agents, musicians and music lovers expressed genuine shock at the news that a […]

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Obama announces support for exposition repeats in State of the Union address.

It was music to the ears of classical aficionados worldwide when President Barack Obama became the first American president to officially call for a national commitment to take exposition repeats in last week’s State of the Union speech . Obama brought repeat supporters to their feet with an oratorical flourish culminating in the statement that “I […]

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nopr: Does Science Really Need Scientists?

  Have you ever wondered whether scientific scientists actually influence their science experiments? They seem important. After all, they’re standing in the middle of the lab wearing white coats and goggles, doing stuff, giving instructions, waving their hands and pressing buttons. But the science machines are all connected to computers that are telling them what […]

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