Handy Plugin Makes New Music Popular and Profitable

A new plugin for Sibelius and Finale music engraving software is taking the music world by storm. The new “Titleizer” plugin from Demisoft Technology systematically analyses a piece’s duration, instrumentation and pitch content and automatically generates a meaningless and unrelated title for the piece. “Since Haydn’s time, we’ve all known that music sells better when […]

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Leading Orchestra to “Push the Boat In” for 50th Anniversary Season

The Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra have announced plans for their 50th Anniversary Season, with a celebratory focus on familiarity, conservatism, convenience and conformity. MSO You’ve heard it all here before “When we started thinking about how best to celebrate this special anniversary, our music director Cauze Perdue originally suggested we “push the boat out” with a season […]

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Nearly-Washed-Up Leading Conductor Trades Baton for Bow

The nearly-washed-up conductor Robert von Bohyarti, former Decca recording artist and long-time conductor of the Minneapolis Philharmonia, is considering launching a solo violin career, it has been learned. Bohyarti, whose instrument is the piano, is reported to feel “a little bored at this stage conducing the same handful of Beethoven and Brahms symphonies over and […]

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BREAKING: Commons Select Committee Endorses Bullshit Tax

The Commons Cultural Welfare Select Committee has issued a report calling for a new levy being described by both advocates and critics as a “bullshit tax.” “Government has long recognized the need for special taxation on items whose use brings certain inevitable costs to the wider society. Taxation on cigarettes and alcohol helps to minimize […]

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BREAKING: Trump to Eliminate Horn Splits As President

Ex-trustfunder turned billionaire-blowhard-reality-show-junkie-cum-presidential-candidate Donald Trump waded into fraught cultural waters today with a speech in Vetterficker, Alabama during which he promised to “put an end to horn splits and fracks in my first 100 Trump-days as Trump-President of the United States of Trump.” “Horn splits are a pervasive problem in our orchestral society,” said Trump, […]

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BREAKING: Music Industry Shock as Leading Orchestra Appoints Conductor Based on Skill at Conducting

The music industry reacted with wide-eyed amazement this month as the world’s leading orchestra announced they were appointing someone to the prestigious position of Principal Conductor based on his ability to conduct. Across Europe, North America and the Far East, orchestral managers, agents, musicians and music lovers expressed genuine shock at the news that a […]

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An SOS from Sinfonia Suburbia

A composite case study, presented here for your edification. Subject: Sinfonia Suburbia Dear Maestro Woods- I do hope it is okay that I am writing to  you directly, rather than to your agent. My name is Elizabeth Herzschmertz (please call me Lib), and I am the new manager of the Sinfonia Suburbia. I’m writing to […]

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