{"id":6972,"date":"2015-09-02T03:39:18","date_gmt":"2015-09-02T02:39:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/?p=6972"},"modified":"2021-01-19T14:14:13","modified_gmt":"2021-01-19T13:14:13","slug":"breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/","title":{"rendered":"BREAKING: Trump to Eliminate Horn Splits As President"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Ex-trustfunder turned billionaire-blowhard-reality-show-junkie-cum-presidential-candidate Donald Trump waded into fraught cultural waters today with a speech in Vetterficker, Alabama during which he promised to \u201cput an end to horn splits and fracks in my first 100 Trump-days as Trump-President of the United States of Trump.\u201d<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_6973\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\"><a href=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/trump-hair-2\/#main\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-6973\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6973\" class=\"wp-image-6973\" src=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trump-hair-2.jpg\" alt=\"Donald Trump speaking to Mitch McConnell in Vetterficker, AL\" width=\"400\" height=\"310\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trump-hair-2.jpg 615w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trump-hair-2-300x232.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-6973\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Donald Trump speaking to Mitch McConnell in Vetterficker, AL<\/p><\/div>\n<p>\u201cHorn splits are a pervasive problem in our orchestral society,\u201d said Trump, speaking to a crowd of about 10,000 on the football field at Peter Hundesperma Memorial HS in scenic Vetterficker. \u201cWhat could be more un-American than a noise that sounds like a goose being strangled with piano wire at the climax of Beethoven\u2019s Seventh Symphony? As President, I\u2019m going to sign an executive order on day one banning all horn splits, fracks, farts and squeaks.\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"woocommerce \"><ul class=\"products columns-4\">\n<li class=\"product type-product post-6648 status-publish first instock product_cat-cds product_tag-avie-records product_tag-hans-gal-2 product_tag-orchestra-of-the-swan-2 has-post-thumbnail shipping-taxable purchasable product-type-simple\">\n\t<a href=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/product\/hans-gal-the-four-symphonies\/\" class=\"woocommerce-LoopProduct-link woocommerce-loop-product__link\"><span class=\"et_shop_image\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies.jpg\" class=\"attachment-woocommerce_thumbnail size-woocommerce_thumbnail\" alt=\"Hans G\u00e1l- The Four Symphonies\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-300x300.jpg 300w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-1024x1024.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-90x90.jpg 90w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-1140x1140.jpg 1140w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-570x570.jpg 570w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-380x380.jpg 380w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/Gal-Four-Symphonies-285x285.jpg 285w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><span class=\"et_overlay\"><\/span><\/span><h2 class=\"woocommerce-loop-product__title\">Hans G\u00e1l- The Four Symphonies<\/h2>\n\t<span class=\"price\"><span class=\"woocommerce-Price-amount amount\"><bdi><span class=\"woocommerce-Price-currencySymbol\">&pound;<\/span>18.00<\/bdi><\/span><\/span>\n<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<p>Trump\u2019s promise to reform horn playing was greeted with ecstatic whoops from the assembled Vetterfickerers. \u201cTrump is right,\u201d said local gun technician Buford Rasistick\u00fd, \u201cmissed horn notes are ruining our society. When the Vetterficker Symphony orchestra played Strauss\u2019s Symphonia Domestica last year, the horns shit all over it. I got so mad, I threw a Confederate flag over the conductor\u2019s head and started singing Skynyrd at the top of my voice during the fugue. If I\u2019d been allowed to bring a gun to that concert, I bet they wouldn\u2019t have missed anything.\u201d<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_6977\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\"><a href=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/trumphair-2-new\/#main\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-6977\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6977\" class=\"wp-image-6977\" src=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trumphair-2-New.jpg\" alt=\"Trumphair 2 New\" width=\"400\" height=\"250\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trumphair-2-New.jpg 460w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trumphair-2-New-300x188.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-6977\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">A promise to restore a sense of national dignity to American horn playing from Donald Trump<\/p><\/div>\n<p>The Washington establishment, and Trump\u2019s erstwhile rivals, expressed immediate scepticism as to Trump\u2019s ability to truly deliver on his ambitious promise to eradicate splits from American horn playing. \u201cDonald Trump can \u201cpromise\u201d anything he wants,\u201d said Jeb Bush, sipping straight vodka from a one-litre training bottle while smoking Lucky Strikes behind a local Kum and Go after speaking to only three people at a &#8220;Bush for Us All&#8221; campaign rally in Davenport, Iowa, \u201cbut there\u2019s simply no way he can stop horn players splitting notes in the music of Mozart, Beethoven and Mahler all Americans love so much without raising taxes and getting pigs to fly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Trump, however, expressed confidence in his ability to deliver on this most ambitious promise of his nascent campaign. \u201cPeople tell me that Donald Trump can\u2019t stop horn players missing notes. I tell you this- Donald Trump cured his own baldness. Donald Trump can cure horn playing! Not since my multi-millionaire father gave me a mountain of cash and an easy pathway into a lucrative, corrupt and insular industry have I been so certain of my success in any endeavour.\u201d<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_6978\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/trumphair-3\/#main\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-6978\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6978\" class=\"wp-image-6978\" src=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trumphair-3.jpg\" alt=\"&quot;I cured my own baldness with class and determination- I can make horn players play good.&quot;\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trumphair-3.jpg 590w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Trumphair-3-300x168.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-6978\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">&#8220;I cured my own baldness with class and determination- I can make horn players play good.&#8221;<\/p><\/div>\n<p>While many Washington think tanks have ascribed the rise in horn inaccuracy to combination of factors including heavier, wider-bore instruments, over-sized concert halls and stress, Trump has no doubts about the primary cause of\u00a0 not only splits but most perceived shortcomings in American horn playing. \u201cIt\u2019s the Mexicans,\u201d said Trump. \u201cThem and the blacks, but mostly the Mexicans. I mean, have you heard a Mariachi band? You call that brass playing? With all that vibrato? How are American horn players to match the cool mastery of a Barry Tuckwell, the agility of a Dennis Brain or the lucid power and searing brilliance of a Norbert Hauptmann with that sound in their ears? In a Mexican-free, Trumped Up America, no music lover need ever fear the second movement of Schumann\u2019s Rhenish Symphony again!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Trump&#8217;s plan for error-free horn playing includes introducing a rigorous system of ritual in-rehearsal humiliation in all American orchestras&#8211; a program he calls the \u201cNo Split Left Behind Act.\u201d \u201cIf a horn player makes a mistake, people need to stop the rehearsal and really glare at them. Let them know that by slightly misjudging their embouchure or breathing, they\u2019re contributing to the degradation of our entire society. I mean, really- who misses a note? Assholes. Losers.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAmerica has been on the defensive for too long,\u201d said Trump. \u201cI want us to be a nation that doesn\u2019t have to fear high-horn squeaks, wails and fracks, nor dread low-horn gurgles, farts, belches and that thing they do when they start like a minor third sharp and then bend their way down to the right pitch. I hate that. China! Mexico! Mexico!!!!!!!!! Trump! Me, Trump!\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"woocommerce \"><ul class=\"products columns-4\">\n<li class=\"product type-product post-6486 status-publish first instock product_cat-cds has-post-thumbnail shipping-taxable purchasable product-type-simple\">\n\t<a href=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/product\/ensemble-epomeo-penderecki-kurtag-schnittke-and-weinberg-string-trios\/\" class=\"woocommerce-LoopProduct-link woocommerce-loop-product__link\"><span class=\"et_shop_image\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-300x300.jpg\" class=\"attachment-woocommerce_thumbnail size-woocommerce_thumbnail\" alt=\"Ensemble Epomeo- Penderecki, Kurt\u00e1g, Schnittke and Weinberg String Trio&#039;s\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-300x300.jpg 300w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-90x90.jpg 90w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-570x570.jpg 570w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-380x380.jpg 380w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Epomeo-NEW-285x285.jpg 285w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><span class=\"et_overlay\"><\/span><\/span><h2 class=\"woocommerce-loop-product__title\">Ensemble Epomeo- Penderecki, Kurt\u00e1g, Schnittke and Weinberg String Trio&#8217;s<\/h2>\n\t<span class=\"price\"><span class=\"woocommerce-Price-amount amount\"><bdi><span class=\"woocommerce-Price-currencySymbol\">&pound;<\/span>12.00<\/bdi><\/span><\/span>\n<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<p>Reached for comment on the campaign trail in Portland, Oregon, Bernie Sanders responded to Trump\u2019s announcement by saying \u201cThe cultural of victim blaming has to stop. In a nation where 99% of the musical decisions are made by 1% of the musicians, how can we expect horn players get through a piece like Haydn\u2019s Symphony no. 59 in A major without problems? Of course they have problems. They play for conductors and are surrounded by trumpet players. Do you know that in the last 40 years, ninety percent of the sharp notes in orchestras were played by trumpet players? And what more perfect symbol of our slide into oligarchy could there be than a conductor getting paide $50k to carve up \u00a0a forgettable and characterless hack-through of Tchaik 5? Being surrounded by that kind of visual and auditory torture day-in, day-out is no way play.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_6979\" style=\"width: 650px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/horn\/#main\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-6979\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6979\" class=\"size-full wp-image-6979\" src=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/horn.png\" alt=\"The horn: trust me, you don't even want to try to play this effing thing.\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/horn.png 640w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/horn-300x225.png 300w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/horn-570x428.png 570w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/horn-380x285.png 380w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/horn-285x214.png 285w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-6979\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">The horn: trust me, you don&#8217;t even want to try to play this effing thing.<\/p><\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_6990\" style=\"width: 510px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/boris-trumpet\/#main\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-6990\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6990\" class=\"size-full wp-image-6990\" src=\"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/boris-trumpet.jpg\" alt=\"As conductor of the Trump Symphony, Donald Trump, seen here with countertenor Boris Johnson, has carved out a reputation as a leading interpreter of Orff and Pfitzner\" width=\"500\" height=\"277\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/boris-trumpet.jpg 500w, https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/boris-trumpet-300x166.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-6990\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">As conductor of the Trump Symphony, Donald Trump, seen here with countertenor Boris Johnson, has carved out a reputation as a leading interpreter of Orff and Pfitzner<\/p><\/div>\n<div id=\"wp_fb_like_button\" style=\"margin:5px 0;float:none;height:100px;\"><script src=\"http:\/\/connect.facebook.net\/en_US\/all.js#xfbml=1\"><\/script><fb:like href=\"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2015\/09\/02\/breaking-trump-to-eliminate-horn-splits-as-president\/\" send=\"false\" layout=\"box_count\" width=\"450\" show_faces=\"true\" font=\"arial\" action=\"like\" colorscheme=\"light\"><\/fb:like><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ex-trustfunder turned billionaire-blowhard-reality-show-junkie-cum-presidential-candidate Donald Trump waded into fraught cultural waters today with a speech in Vetterficker, Alabama during which he promised to \u201cput an end to horn splits and fracks in my first 100 Trump-days as Trump-President of the United States of Trump.\u201d \u201cHorn splits are a pervasive problem in our orchestral society,\u201d said Trump, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6976,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1,1085],"tags":[1086],"class_list":["post-6972","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-music-opion-life-as-a-performing-musician","category-not-quite-the-news","tag-satire"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6972","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6972"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6972\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9314,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6972\/revisions\/9314"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6976"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6972"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6972"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6972"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}