{"id":7827,"date":"2017-06-29T16:41:04","date_gmt":"2017-06-29T15:41:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/?p=7827"},"modified":"2017-06-29T20:07:44","modified_gmt":"2017-06-29T19:07:44","slug":"everything-you-need-to-know-to-conduct-an-orchestra","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kennethwoods.net\/blog1\/2017\/06\/29\/everything-you-need-to-know-to-conduct-an-orchestra\/","title":{"rendered":"Everything you need to know to conduct an orchestra"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>In the spirit of fairness and balance and for the good of music in general, we’ve established a list of “top tips” for conductors offered by each section in the orchestra. Take them to heart and you’ll go far.<\/p>\n

Or maybe you won’t :)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Flute-<\/strong> I picked this flute because this is the kind of flute I like and make the sound I want to make, and telling me how great the wooden\/platinum\/graphite\/foam-rubber flutes sound in your other orchestra just makes me want to gnaw my own legs off<\/p>\n

Oboe-<\/strong> This reed sucks, this reed sucks, this reed sucks.<\/p>\n

Clarinet-<\/strong> I\u2019m not conducting the flutes, I\u2019m conducting you.<\/p>\n

Bassoon-<\/strong> Please don\u2019t program Beethoven 4 this year. Or next year.<\/p>\n

Horn-<\/strong> We\u2019re really the reason people come to the concerts, but we can also be the reason they stay away<\/p>\n

Trumpet-<\/strong> Your beat needs to be as precise as our embouchure and tongue or you are going to cause us problems. And when we have problems, you have problems.<\/p>\n

Trombone-<\/strong> I have more recordings of this symphony than you do. Just sayin’….<\/p>\n

Tuba-<\/strong> I know everything there is to know about coffee and wine. Ask me and learn.<\/p>\n

Timpani-<\/strong> It would be better if you were less aware of what stick I was using and more aware of what pitches I\u2019m playing (some of which may be different than in the score)<\/p>\n

Tambourine-<\/strong> Wouldn\u2019t it be easier to just tell the rest of the orchestra to play louder?<\/p>\n

Harp-<\/strong> The fact I could be making three times as much playing a wedding means I’m really here out of pity.<\/p>\n

Violin 1-<\/strong> We\u2019re going with the concertmaster. You work it out with her\/him<\/p>\n

Violin 2-<\/strong> Learning our names would go a long way towards establishing your credibility.<\/p>\n

Viola-<\/strong> The bowings are not fine, they can never be fine.<\/p>\n

Cellos-<\/strong> At least half of us are conductors, too, and half of those are more experienced conductors than you. Toscanini, Barbirolli, Ivan Fischer, Harnoncourt- they were all sat in the cello section for conductors just like you, silently making up their minds and waiting for their chance.<\/p>\n

Basses-<\/strong> We would rather not be required to gaze at your backside while you lavish your attention on the first violins.<\/p>\n

Everyone in the orchestra-<\/strong> Let us go home 20 minutes early and we’ll love you<\/p>\n

Your CEO-<\/strong>\u00a0Let them go home 20 minutes early and I may fire you<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n