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<\/a>More reading, less talking, life is looking up, says healthy but voluntarily self-isolated local woman<\/p><\/div>\n
Among the aspects of COVID-19 introverts are reportedly looking forward to are not going to concerts, not talking to other parents at school pickup, and not going out for coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor me, the whole point of coffee is drinking it in peace,\u201d said Springfield statistician and introvert, Pete Smelter. \u201cMy heart just sinks when folks say \u201clet\u2019s meet for a coffee and a chat.\u201d What a waste of a coffee! Never once in my life have I been drinking a coffee and thought, \u201cgee, I sure would feel more relaxed if I was having a chat with this coffee.\u201d Now I can politely say, \u201cI\u2019d better stick to \u2018coffee for one\u2019 until the pandemic passes. Better yet, I don’t have to say anything, because I’ll be at home, by myself, serenely drinking my coffee. Thank heavens herd immunity will take a year or so to establish itself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Introverts are particularly looking forward to months free from inane small talk. Bibliophile and introvert Rosanne Nosferatu of East Lansing says: \u201cIt\u2019s that feeling of being trapped with someone you\u2019ve bumped into in the hallway, or seen in the grocery store, where you know you need to make conversation, but all you can think is \u201ckill me, kill me, kill me! Please, God, get me out of here before I say \u201chow was your Christmas!\u201d So then you just end up saying “er, how was…er…your…” and trailing off. At least while this terrible disease ravages society and demolishes our health care system, I won\u2019t have to effing chit or chat with anyone but my cat.\u201d<\/p>\n
Foregoing physical signs of recognition and affection is also something introverts are widely looking forward to during the forthcoming pandemic. \u201cNothing causes me more stress than seeing someone I kind of know at the end of a long hallway coming towards me and having all that time to think about how I should greet them,\u201d said Philadelphia-area introvert Polly Snarkington. \u201cLast week, I saw a colleague who had been off work for a few months and, in a moment of blind panic,\u00a0 I thought this must be a \u2018kiss hello\u2019 scenario. I went in for the kiss, he offered me a hug, and we nearly crashed into each other and fell over. I spent the next week wishing I could paint myself white and stand next to a wall so nobody could see my shame. COVID-19 means I can look forward to at least 8-12 weeks without experiencing that kind humiliation. My mom calls me ‘anti-social”, but I like people, I’m just anti-making-a-fool- 0f-myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
A prolonged lack of physical contact is also eagerly anticipated amongst members of another major demographic group, germaphobes, who are, on average, the happiest about COVID-19 of any group other than introverts.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh man, this is going to be the best six months of my life,\u201d said violist and germaphobe, Wilton Fury, on Skype from his Walla Walla apartment. \u201cNo power pats, no handshakes, no fist bumps, no finger food, no buffets. I\u2019ve taken to wearing a souvenir t-shirt with Chinese characters, so people sit as far away from me as possible in public. Nobody wants to get near me with their grody paws anymore! I\u2019ve never felt so safe. Today, I asked a server in a restaurant to disinfect my chair before I sat down and he actually looked like he was thinking “of course I should disinfect the chairs. What a perfectly normal thing to say!\u201d<\/p>\n
“My friends used to groan when I’d tell them to sneeze into their elbow,” said germaphobe Lucy Ciao. “Now, they sneeze into their elbows and I say “Sneeze into the back of your knee, motherfucker! Your elbow is only 2 feet below my face, you disgusting person!”<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a sentiment shared by fellow germaphobe, Rachel Nutcracker. \u201cPeople used to laugh at me when I would sanitize my hands after getting my change at Starbucks. Now they\u2019re all \u201cGood idea, lady! Can I borrow your sanitizer?\u201d And I\u2019m like all \u201cnoooooooo way, dude! Back right off!” And all my friends who used to roll their eyes when I would wash my hands for three minutes after bringing in the mail are now saying, \u201cHey Rache, can I have a hand-washing lesson?\u201d I\u2019m charging $80\/hour for online hygiene tutorials now. \u00a0Roll your eyes at that, you gross, germy pigs!\u201d<\/p>\n
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