Ex-trustfunder turned billionaire-blowhard-reality-show-junkie-cum-presidential-candidate Donald Trump waded into fraught cultural waters today with a speech in Vetterficker, Alabama during which he promised to “put an end to horn splits and fracks in my first 100 Trump-days as Trump-President of the United States of Trump.”

Donald Trump speaking to Mitch McConnell in Vetterficker, AL

“Horn splits are a pervasive problem in our orchestral society,” said Trump, speaking to a crowd of about 10,000 on the football field at Peter Hundesperma Memorial HS in scenic Vetterficker. “What could be more un-American than a noise that sounds like a goose being strangled with piano wire at the climax of Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony? As President, I’m going to sign an executive order on day one banning all horn splits, fracks, farts and squeaks.”

Trump’s promise to reform horn playing was greeted with ecstatic whoops from the assembled Vetterfickerers. “Trump is right,” said local gun technician Buford Rasistický, “missed horn notes are ruining our society. When the Vetterficker Symphony orchestra played Strauss’s Symphonia Domestica last year, the horns shit all over it. I got so mad, I threw a Confederate flag over the conductor’s head and started singing Skynyrd at the top of my voice during the fugue. If I’d been allowed to bring a gun to that concert, I bet they wouldn’t have missed anything.”

A promise to restore a sense of national dignity to American horn playing from Donald Trump

The Washington establishment, and Trump’s erstwhile rivals, expressed immediate scepticism as to Trump’s ability to truly deliver on his ambitious promise to eradicate splits from American horn playing. “Donald Trump can “promise” anything he wants,” said Jeb Bush, sipping straight vodka from a one-litre training bottle while smoking Lucky Strikes behind a local Kum and Go after speaking to only three people at a “Bush for Us All” campaign rally in Davenport, Iowa, “but there’s simply no way he can stop horn players splitting notes in the music of Mozart, Beethoven and Mahler all Americans love so much without raising taxes and getting pigs to fly.”

Trump, however, expressed confidence in his ability to deliver on this most ambitious promise of his nascent campaign. “People tell me that Donald Trump can’t stop horn players missing notes. I tell you this- Donald Trump cured his own baldness. Donald Trump can cure horn playing! Not since my multi-millionaire father gave me a mountain of cash and an easy pathway into a lucrative, corrupt and insular industry have I been so certain of my success in any endeavour.”

“I cured my own baldness with class and determination- I can make horn players play good.”

While many Washington think tanks have ascribed the rise in horn inaccuracy to combination of factors including heavier, wider-bore instruments, over-sized concert halls and stress, Trump has no doubts about the primary cause of  not only splits but most perceived shortcomings in American horn playing. “It’s the Mexicans,” said Trump. “Them and the blacks, but mostly the Mexicans. I mean, have you heard a Mariachi band? You call that brass playing? With all that vibrato? How are American horn players to match the cool mastery of a Barry Tuckwell, the agility of a Dennis Brain or the lucid power and searing brilliance of a Norbert Hauptmann with that sound in their ears? In a Mexican-free, Trumped Up America, no music lover need ever fear the second movement of Schumann’s Rhenish Symphony again!”

Trump’s plan for error-free horn playing includes introducing a rigorous system of ritual in-rehearsal humiliation in all American orchestras– a program he calls the “No Split Left Behind Act.” “If a horn player makes a mistake, people need to stop the rehearsal and really glare at them. Let them know that by slightly misjudging their embouchure or breathing, they’re contributing to the degradation of our entire society. I mean, really- who misses a note? Assholes. Losers.”

“America has been on the defensive for too long,” said Trump. “I want us to be a nation that doesn’t have to fear high-horn squeaks, wails and fracks, nor dread low-horn gurgles, farts, belches and that thing they do when they start like a minor third sharp and then bend their way down to the right pitch. I hate that. China! Mexico! Mexico!!!!!!!!! Trump! Me, Trump!”

Reached for comment on the campaign trail in Portland, Oregon, Bernie Sanders responded to Trump’s announcement by saying “The cultural of victim blaming has to stop. In a nation where 99% of the musical decisions are made by 1% of the musicians, how can we expect horn players get through a piece like Haydn’s Symphony no. 59 in A major without problems? Of course they have problems. They play for conductors and are surrounded by trumpet players. Do you know that in the last 40 years, ninety percent of the sharp notes in orchestras were played by trumpet players? And what more perfect symbol of our slide into oligarchy could there be than a conductor getting paide $50k to carve up  a forgettable and characterless hack-through of Tchaik 5? Being surrounded by that kind of visual and auditory torture day-in, day-out is no way play.”

The horn: trust me, you don’t even want to try to play this effing thing.

As conductor of the Trump Symphony, Donald Trump, seen here with countertenor Boris Johnson, has carved out a reputation as a leading interpreter of Orff and Pfitzner