Members of the Metropolis Symphony Orchestra reacted with public expressions of glee upon learning that their colleague, principal trumpet player Jack Hammer, had taken delivery of a new, louder trumpet.

“I’m just so happy for Jack,” said Mabel Teargarden, a violist in the MSO. “I sit right in front of Jack at the back of the viola section, and it’s such a privilege to experience his trumpet playing from a distance of just eighteen to twenty-four inches every day. I’m so pleased that Jack has done this- it’s great that he’s bought this new, louder, trumpet and I really can’t wait to station myself in my chair and hear what this new, more powerful instrument sounds like when positioned right behind my head.”

Hammer’s new, louder trumpet is a custom made, wide bore instrument with extra thick plating and nuclear-fused polonium mouthpiece coated in layers of lead and military-grade armor plating. Because of the instrument’s extraordinary weight and size, the Donnerkrieg Vector 7 rests on a steel-reinforced concrete tower which sits on a custom-made reinforced acoustically reflective weight-distributing platform. “It’s just an amazing feeling to finally be able to truly express myself as an artist on my new, louder trumpet” said Hammer. “Of course, we had to do some work with the stage team at Sorrow Hall to reinforce the floor around my chair since the trumpet and stand together weigh just over three thousand pounds, but the steel and graphite panel which sits under the trumpet stand not only spreads the weight across the stage, it’s highly acoustically reflective and helps the upper overtones which I’m looking for in the sound of my new, louder trumpet. I suppose you could say that thanks to the stand and the floor panel, it’s a new, louder, brighter trumpet. I am one lucky guy!”

The Donnerkrieg Vector 7 also replaces the traditional tuning slide with a patented “turbo boost” key which raises the instrument’s pitch in increments of 15 cents every time Hammer presses it. “What a blessing for any trumpet player” said third hornist Will Splatt, “to be able to raise his pitch as often and as quickly as he wants just by pushing a simple button. He has complete and instant control over how sharp he plays. I’m so happy for Jack- he’s really earned this!”

Others in the orchestra shared Teargarden’s enthusiasm for Jack Hammer’s new, louder instrument. “I think I speak for everyone in the woodwind section, when I say we’re just so happy that Jack has fulfilled his long-held ambition to upgrade to a new, louder trumpet,” said Lester Reed, the MSO’s second bassoonist. “We’re all so excited to experience playing our first Mendelssohn symphony alongside Jack’s new, more potent trumpet. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like sitting next to a sound like that!”

Only a few musicians in the orchestra seemed to express concern about the implications of Jack Hammer’s purchase of his new, louder trumpet. “All of us in the brass section are really happy for Jack personally. It’s just great for him that he’s got a new, louder trumpet,” said principal trombonist Ton Tahlfart. “On the other hand, for the brass section to work as a team, we all have to be able to blend, and I’m very concerned that I may now need to purchase a new, louder trombone. This is something a trombonist like me would only consider with the greatest reluctance because new, louder trombones can often cost dozens of dollars.”

But Tahlfart seemed clearly in the minority. Concertmaster Frühund Sharp was quick to express his delight on hearing of Hammer’s purchase of this new, louder instrument. “Jack is a great colleague, and I just can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sat in the orchestra playing a piece like Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony or a Haydn Mass and thought, poor Jack, he’s such a great artist, but just think what he could do with a new, louder trumpet!”

Chef d’orchestre Robert van Bohyarti, recently returned from a tour as violin soloist in “Vivaldi’s Four Seasons Deconstructed” for violin and an ensemble of 20 contrabass clarinets and African drumming ensemble, welcomed news of Jack Hammer’s new, louder trumpet. “The MSO’s bread and butter is Classical and early Romantic repertoire. We carry a core of 45 musicians and specialize in Schubert, Beethoven, Mozart, sometimes playing Brahms with the kind of smaller string sections Brahms would have worked with in Meiningen. For us, it’s just fantastic news that Jack has finally bought a new, louder trumpet.”