A new study shows that introverts worldwide are actually kind of looking forward to the progression of the COVID-19 epidemic, so long as it results in a period of prolonged “social distancing.”
“Of course, I worry a lot about people becoming ill as a result of this pandemic,” said lifelong Muncie, Indiana introvert, Bethany Smyth, “but when I saw that this might mean working from home and avoiding large groups of people for 3-8 months, I have to say, I felt a little thrill. It’s almost like a vacation from everything I dread in life. Let’s face it, I’ve been self-isolating since I was about 12.”
More reading, less talking, life is looking up, says healthy but voluntarily self-isolated local woman
Among the aspects of COVID-19 introverts are reportedly looking forward to are not going to concerts, not talking to other parents at school pickup, and not going out for coffee.
“For me, the whole point of coffee is drinking it in peace,” said Springfield statistician and introvert, Pete Smelter. “My heart just sinks when folks say “let’s meet for a coffee and a chat.” What a waste of a coffee! Never once in my life have I been drinking a coffee and thought, “gee, I sure would feel more relaxed if I was having a chat with this coffee.” Now I can politely say, “I’d better stick to ‘coffee for one’ until the pandemic passes. Better yet, I don’t have to say anything, because I’ll be at home, by myself, serenely drinking my coffee. Thank heavens herd immunity will take a year or so to establish itself.”
Introverts are particularly looking forward to months free from inane small talk. Bibliophile and introvert Rosanne Nosferatu of East Lansing says: “It’s that feeling of being trapped with someone you’ve bumped into in the hallway, or seen in the grocery store, where you know you need to make conversation, but all you can think is “kill me, kill me, kill me! Please, God, get me out of here before I say “how was your Christmas!” So then you just end up saying “er, how was…er…your…” and trailing off. At least while this terrible disease ravages society and demolishes our health care system, I won’t have to effing chit or chat with anyone but my cat.”
Foregoing physical signs of recognition and affection is also something introverts are widely looking forward to during the forthcoming pandemic. “Nothing causes me more stress than seeing someone I kind of know at the end of a long hallway coming towards me and having all that time to think about how I should greet them,” said Philadelphia-area introvert Polly Snarkington. “Last week, I saw a colleague who had been off work for a few months and, in a moment of blind panic, I thought this must be a ‘kiss hello’ scenario. I went in for the kiss, he offered me a hug, and we nearly crashed into each other and fell over. I spent the next week wishing I could paint myself white and stand next to a wall so nobody could see my shame. COVID-19 means I can look forward to at least 8-12 weeks without experiencing that kind humiliation. My mom calls me ‘anti-social”, but I like people, I’m just anti-making-a-fool- 0f-myself.”
A prolonged lack of physical contact is also eagerly anticipated amongst members of another major demographic group, germaphobes, who are, on average, the happiest about COVID-19 of any group other than introverts.
“Oh man, this is going to be the best six months of my life,” said violist and germaphobe, Wilton Fury, on Skype from his Walla Walla apartment. “No power pats, no handshakes, no fist bumps, no finger food, no buffets. I’ve taken to wearing a souvenir t-shirt with Chinese characters, so people sit as far away from me as possible in public. Nobody wants to get near me with their grody paws anymore! I’ve never felt so safe. Today, I asked a server in a restaurant to disinfect my chair before I sat down and he actually looked like he was thinking “of course I should disinfect the chairs. What a perfectly normal thing to say!”
“My friends used to groan when I’d tell them to sneeze into their elbow,” said germaphobe Lucy Ciao. “Now, they sneeze into their elbows and I say “Sneeze into the back of your knee, motherfucker! Your elbow is only 2 feet below my face, you disgusting person!”
It’s a sentiment shared by fellow germaphobe, Rachel Nutcracker. “People used to laugh at me when I would sanitize my hands after getting my change at Starbucks. Now they’re all “Good idea, lady! Can I borrow your sanitizer?” And I’m like all “noooooooo way, dude! Back right off!” And all my friends who used to roll their eyes when I would wash my hands for three minutes after bringing in the mail are now saying, “Hey Rache, can I have a hand-washing lesson?” I’m charging $80/hour for online hygiene tutorials now. Roll your eyes at that, you gross, germy pigs!”
Local introvert: I’ve got coffee, I’ve got wine, I’ve got two cases of Corona beer just because. I’ve got two bookshelves of unread books and the complete X-Files on DVD. I’m really looking forward to this virus.
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