by Kenneth Woods | Jun 10, 2016 | Not quite the news, Satire
Government officials are considering a move to permanently do away with alto clef from 2018, sources have revealed. It has been known for some time that the widely reviled clef, recently voted “worst clef” for a record-shattering 27th year in a row, has long been...
by Kenneth Woods | Apr 12, 2016 | A view from the podium, Not quite the news, Satire
A leading professional orchestra has announced they are giving up rehearsing, teaching and performing music to focus on their “core mission,” it has been announced. The board and management of the Southlands Sinfonia in Weicester have decided to cancel all future...
by Kenneth Woods | Feb 17, 2016 | A view from the podium, Not quite the news
Sales of concert tickets and recordings by classical orchestras, opera companies and chamber ensembles skyrocketed this week following the arrest of a cellist who was found to be carrying 113 pounds of marijuana in his car. “Dude,” said new classical fan Brian...
by Kenneth Woods | Dec 18, 2015 | A view from the podium, Not quite the news, Satire
The Commons Cultural Welfare Select Committee has issued a report calling for a new levy being described by both advocates and critics as a “bullshit tax.” “Government has long recognized the need for special taxation on items whose use brings certain inevitable costs...
by Kenneth Woods | Sep 2, 2015 | A view from the podium, Not quite the news
Ex-trustfunder turned billionaire-blowhard-reality-show-junkie-cum-presidential-candidate Donald Trump waded into fraught cultural waters today with a speech in Vetterficker, Alabama during which he promised to “put an end to horn splits and fracks in my first 100...
by Kenneth Woods | Jul 17, 2015 | A view from the podium, Not quite the news, Satire
The music industry reacted with wide-eyed amazement this month as the world’s leading orchestra announced they were appointing someone to the prestigious position of Principal Conductor based on his ability to conduct. Across Europe, North America and the Far East,...
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